My Eternal Search for Myself

And four years later, I start smiling again, although my sense of smell has not yet fully recovered, nor my love of life back to full throttle. But I will get there. Maybe in a few months or a few more years. I just know I will. I have always been in the upper echelons of the genus homo, the species sapiens. My propensity to survive and to thrive has always been higher than average.

I packed my bags, gave away my shoes and my fabulous, extravagant Middle Eastern lifestyle in exchange for a bright future for my children. This I did without much thought but with a lot of faith and a very strong belief in myself. I did my cost-benefit analysis but forgot the economics of it. But once again, I am getting ahead of myself.

It all started with my high school valedictory address. I talked about the dreams of the graduating class and how we will conquer the world. I envisioned myself going to the region’s best Catholic university, paying my way through it, hopefully not a single cent coming from Dad but just doing it on scholarship and maybe a job waiting on tables or something more exciting. I forgot that I took two university examinations in the past year to some obscure-sounding places that Dad urged me to do. I did both for the opportunity to travel (the tests were in the big city) unsupervised with my friends.

But all those movies in my head changed when the test results came : my University Entrance Test came at 99%. In my euphoric state, I ran barefoot to church to light the candle I promised. I was the first one to get it from my unknown little school and come to think of it, probably my little town. And I really just hoped to pass at 75%. A few days later, I received notice that I got into the quota program of the country’s best Dental School, and in effect into the country’s best university(I didn’t know it was the best university until later. I always thought that Catholic university was the best). I was way into the beginning of the school year when the other university test results came : I got another scholarship into the pre-Medicine program of another reputable state university in my region. I call that a triple whammy. Those were the best years of my life.

Reality struck! The program was very tough, I did not see myself poking into people’s oral cavities growing up and I did not look forward to sitting in another Zoology class cutting open that poor cat or talking about ketones in Organic Chemistry. I moved into the Tourism program of the same university’s main campus an hour away. Once again, I did this without much thought. I still did not know what I wanted to do although I knew I wanted to get into the main campus for the lifestyle. I loved every minute of it!

Fast-forward a few years later, I became a young mother after moving from one job to another. I chose not to marry my son’s father. This was an unthinkable choice in my strictly-Catholic upbringing. Dad supported this decision, though, and Mom was unusually quiet. And I learned to tell the world to shove it! I learned not to care about getting anyone’s approval, not even my family’s. And I learned to stick to a job even if it was not my ideal so I could support my little one. I was not having any single cent from good, old Dad.

And as luck would have it (I really call it blessings from above), I thrived in that job and grew and got poached by a good company and the rest of my story unfolds. This series of promotions was my ticket to an overseas job that paid better and promised a better future for my two children. I had to get married in between and decided to be unmarried. I left the Philippines a happily-single mother of two boys. I was unhappy about having to leave my sons but was resolute in giving them a better future confident in the knowledge that they are probably better off in the caring hands of my efficient, smart, and very strict mother.

My interrupted young womanhood of parties and fun continued in the Middle East. I did not have to cook or clean much as the job I had provided for all that and more. I went to bars for the free ladies’ drinks and hung out with newfound international friends. I visited other Asian and Middle Eastern cities. I sunbathed in the 50-degree heat and had a year-round tan. Three years later, I brought my sons to Dubai. This was always in my head although I did not have a sound plan. My series of promotions, however, gave way to this nagging thought. And that thought (called a goal in the Law of Attraction) finally came to fruition. I brought them to Dubai with me so we could finally be together. I never really understood the point of having a family if Mom or Dad was overseas and just sends money home to the kids. My children deserved better than that.

And once again, reality hit me between the eyes. My cooking skills were practically non-existent and so were my housekeeping skills. My demanding job and family life drove me into denial. I stayed longer at work and made sure we went to the beach the whole day on my days off and pretend that the laundry was not piling up. I made sure the kitchen door was always shut. Those days were filled with hotel lunch buffets on weekends and Pizza Hut deliveries. In the meantime, my Visa and Mastercard balances were growing. So were our closets. We had to wear clean clothes.

Again, I forgot that I have been processing an application to work for residence in New Zealand. Suddenly, our passports came back with the much-coveted visa. But I only had six months to enter the country. I still could not decide. My life was great apart from my home-making disasters. I was being offered a promotion but on the condition that I stay at least six months. The money would definitely be better and the perks bigger. I did my cost-benefit analysis bearing in mind that life is not all about the money. New Zealand won. So I packed our bags and gave everything else away. We were starting a new life and I didn’t want the excess luggage. The kids were resentful as they loved their newfound lives. I told them it was for their own good.

I got a temporary job after five days since arriving and an interview for a proper job(in this case, a hotel job, which is my area of expertise) after a week. I quit my temporary job and started after two weeks.

I wanted to walk out after the first week. It was not what I expected. I felt that I jumped from the pan into the fire. But I had to hold on so I could get my permanent residence. Four years later, here I am, still with the same company, happier with what I am doing albeit not quite challenged professionally. I have learned to cook and my kids actually eat what I cook. I still cannot keep a tidy house but I do clean once in a while. I am back into a physical fitness routine after six years of not bothering. I still do not like to plan but I have learned to look before leaping.

Life is a celebration of the senses, when your nose can smell the scent of expensive linens, or your eyes see the contrast of the reds and the oranges of autumn, or the touch of a slow breeze on your hair, of the excitement of a party coming up. It seems these functions have atrophied in my case. From lack of exercise or great expectations not met, I don’t know. I do know that I will get it back. I do know that I try everyday. And I know my passion for living and for life itself will never wane.