Looking But Not Touching

Every morning between 2 and 3 o'clock, something wakes me up and keeps me up until I need to take a shower and go to work. This has stopped me from going to the gym because I am worried I will faint if I pushed my body too hard. Putting this on paper makes me think, though, that this is possibly because I have been missing my gym trips and my body is looking for that adrenalin rush. This has nothing to do with anyone thinking about me and waking me up.

I have been overanalyzing this going-on with a guy at work. I decided I liked him and thought would want to get to know him better. I saw him once walking hand in hand with a girl but that somehow did not deter me from wanting to get to know him better. I analyze every scenario of moments with him and put meanings into things said and done. In the end, it could just be my overactive imagination because nothing is happening at all or he is just a committed man which I admire.

I compare what he says to what he does. Take for example his declaration that he is vegetarian and I saw him order a big steak tonight. The egg at the cafeteria the other day gave him away but I just needed more proof. Stepping back again and analyzing his little gestures makes me think, though, that he is as lost as I am. Maybe moreso. I will probably never know that and will always wonder. My good friend advised me to ask him out. Probably not in a million years, not even after 5 glasses of bubbles. And it is probably something I am not too keen to learn about. And it's not fear of rejection (although maybe it is). It could be fear of disappointment. Here's one man that does not intimidate me too much but I really admire. He is good at what he does but I see a few chinks in the armor. Then again, I will never find that white knight I guess. I dunno, I dunno. That is why looking and not touching is way better. That is why window-shopping is more fun sometimes.

My restless thoughts, my restless mind, please settle down.....

Never Settling For Less

Settling for less is a lesson that I have learned even as a child yet I seem never to get around to applying it to my choices, even the simplest of them. This past weekend I bought Calvin Klein CK One Limited Edition because the packaging looked exciting and there was a bonus magnet toy. Really! When I got the goods, it smelled like everyone else, what else! I know I am a Carolina Herrera person but I seem to forget it every time I am faced with tough choices like these. I had to wear it as I paid for it and yeah, true enough, I smell like everyone else now.

Then there was this guy I met a few years ago – not really my usual but the first dinner turned to lunch and so on and so forth, and yeah before I knew it, two years had passed. The same with that oral-maxillofacial surgeon although I would not call him less, just not my usual but my hunches were right again.

Now, New Zealand could be something else. I used my logic when I chose this country despite loud protests from Dad and Tony. All because of what it could possibly offer my kids. Their protests were not entirely unfounded – it’s twenty years behind the rest of the world, their sense of fashion still sucks, the temperature is absolutely, absolutely horrible and there is nowhere to go for a real party. Plus I don’t honestly know what they do in school. The bus drivers are kind, though, the air is clean, the best salmon and oysters I have ever tasted, and yeah, I eventually found myself a “normal” job – weekends off, holidays off. The remuneration does not count at this moment. I was looking for quality of life, I got it.

The work challenge is something else but hey, one cannot have one’s cake and eat it at all times. By that, I mean, this is not what I have been set out to do. I barely use any of my grey cells but use a lot of my EQ dealing with bozos. It certainly is a test of tough-mindedness and stomach-strength. I guess I am being prepared for something where a lot of that will be needed. Am I being true to myself? To my calling? What is my calling anyway?

It's been over a year since I started looking for my mission again and I've lost my focus. Yet I learned a lot of things along the way. I'm not in a rush. It's just beneath my nose, I guess. And a friend once said something about overanalyzing, expecting too much of one's self. Yes, I do both. The good thing is, I am taking things slowly, allowing time to absorb my surroundings, my current state and living in the moment.

I have learned the basics of tango nuevo, have started hitting the gym, can lift 7 kilos at Body Pump, can bake a good chocolate cake and carrot cake, get thanks from the boys for the meal they just had, got Mikkael to get up a bit earlier for school, saw him through his A's in Physics and Chem, and Josh learning to stand up for himself. Plus a lot of other things.

The year has not been wasted at all. I've gone through a few books and have a renewed zeal for life. I have also found someone interesting, a miracle.

My writing has taken a turn for the worse but constantly stimulating these neural pathways will correct that. I just have to keep myself focused. Yes, focus is my dilemma as always. Because I want to have my cake and eat it, because I get greedy, because I want to be superwoman.

The good thing, I can genuinely smile at adversities - at a superior who has not seen kindness, at circumstances that are less-than-ideal, I have found my missing fortitude. Yes, there is light at the end of this tunnel, the sun does smile behind the dark clouds.

I have my Savior to thank for this, my Intercessor, the Source of my strength, the Source of my breath....